Recipe For Success
The following recipe will produce one gourmet chickpea burger sitting on a bed of fresh spinach with a tzatziki dressing.
To begin, wonder the esplanade looking for the perfect spot to begin barbecuing. Many free-to-use barbecues line Australian beaches and it is often best to choose one with a scenic view over the ocean. Alternatively you could do what I do and pick a more strategic position - for instance, the spot with an obstructed view situated next to the toilets and the children’s playground. The smells of urine and the remnants of a local surfer’s late-night curry are easily ignored as they are overshadowed by the acrid odour emanating from the conveniently placed garbage bins sitting next to the barbecue area.
Once you’ve chosen a cooking spot allow the barbecue to come up to temperature while you prepare your ingredients. Place the already-purchased veggie burgers on the table. Observe the burgers. Stare at the packaging. Begin contemplating how you are going to open the packet given that you have no utensils. A quick rummage through your backpack will help in this situation, I found that the razor from my toiletries bag was quite useful in this respect.
Remove the tzatziki from your bag. Tzatziki is a yoghurt-based dip of Greek origin typically served cold. However I like to further encourage the fermentation process by purchasing the dip from a store in close proximity to the cooking location, leaving the dip in a bag in the sun for several hours and only then using it. It’ll surely give your dressing that extra zing.
Remove the foil covering the surface of the tzatziki and carefully fold a couple of times in the same direction, producing a spatula/knife to be used later. Place your bag of spinach on the table, ensuring it has been sufficiently squashed by the weight of other ingredients in your bag in the hours preceding.
Whilst rolls or buns are often used for burgers, I prefer to use a loaf bread. This way when you realise you have no knife to cut the bread you can rip off a segment and the rough surface of the tear allows for, upon eating, a more complex textural experience. When choosing the loaf it is important that the bread has no crunch and as limited structural integrity as is possible, to ensure that you are unable to create a pocket in the bread and, upon the bread breaking into unevenly sized pieces, you decide you are now making an open-faced sandwich. You can use any cheap bread you like however I like to use a Tiger Vienna loaf. After all, a bread which takes its name from an animal that kills people and the city one of history’s worst dictators spent his youth in definitely makes you feel like you are on the road to culinary success.
Once the barbecue is heated or whenever you can be arsed place the burger on the grill, being sure not to add any oil because you don’t have any. As the burger begins to form a crust use your foil spatula (prepared earlier) to flip the burger. If the flip occurs successfully you have clearly misread the instructions thus far. Instead, the burger should break into at least three to four pieces whilst the recently formed crust remains adhered firmly to the surface of the grill.
To begin, wonder the esplanade looking for the perfect spot to begin barbecuing. Many free-to-use barbecues line Australian beaches and it is often best to choose one with a scenic view over the ocean. Alternatively you could do what I do and pick a more strategic position - for instance, the spot with an obstructed view situated next to the toilets and the children’s playground. The smells of urine and the remnants of a local surfer’s late-night curry are easily ignored as they are overshadowed by the acrid odour emanating from the conveniently placed garbage bins sitting next to the barbecue area.
Once you’ve chosen a cooking spot allow the barbecue to come up to temperature while you prepare your ingredients. Place the already-purchased veggie burgers on the table. Observe the burgers. Stare at the packaging. Begin contemplating how you are going to open the packet given that you have no utensils. A quick rummage through your backpack will help in this situation, I found that the razor from my toiletries bag was quite useful in this respect.
Remove the tzatziki from your bag. Tzatziki is a yoghurt-based dip of Greek origin typically served cold. However I like to further encourage the fermentation process by purchasing the dip from a store in close proximity to the cooking location, leaving the dip in a bag in the sun for several hours and only then using it. It’ll surely give your dressing that extra zing.
Remove the foil covering the surface of the tzatziki and carefully fold a couple of times in the same direction, producing a spatula/knife to be used later. Place your bag of spinach on the table, ensuring it has been sufficiently squashed by the weight of other ingredients in your bag in the hours preceding.
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| The start of the Great Ocean Road. |
Whilst rolls or buns are often used for burgers, I prefer to use a loaf bread. This way when you realise you have no knife to cut the bread you can rip off a segment and the rough surface of the tear allows for, upon eating, a more complex textural experience. When choosing the loaf it is important that the bread has no crunch and as limited structural integrity as is possible, to ensure that you are unable to create a pocket in the bread and, upon the bread breaking into unevenly sized pieces, you decide you are now making an open-faced sandwich. You can use any cheap bread you like however I like to use a Tiger Vienna loaf. After all, a bread which takes its name from an animal that kills people and the city one of history’s worst dictators spent his youth in definitely makes you feel like you are on the road to culinary success.
Once the barbecue is heated or whenever you can be arsed place the burger on the grill, being sure not to add any oil because you don’t have any. As the burger begins to form a crust use your foil spatula (prepared earlier) to flip the burger. If the flip occurs successfully you have clearly misread the instructions thus far. Instead, the burger should break into at least three to four pieces whilst the recently formed crust remains adhered firmly to the surface of the grill.
Meanwhile, toast the bread. With a sort-of-clean hand, compress the cut-side of the bread slice and then place, cut-side down, on the grill. Compression will help in preventing some of the bread sticking to the grill, although you will ultimately forget that the bread is on the grill and will burn it anyway.
Use your foil utensil to spread a layer of tzatziki on your semi-cremated bread slice. Remove what you can of the burger from the grill and place atop the tzatziki. Realising you have forgotten about the spinach, stuff what you can of the greens under the burger pieces in order to prevent them being blow away by the seaside breeze.
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| An unsuccessful jazz quartet walk along the beach. |
Before consuming your crippled creation, be sure to clean the barbecue - social courtesy is a must. Whilst repeatedly burning yourself on the hot surface and never learning from each experience, use water and toilet paper retrieved from the strategically located toilet block to clean the barbecue. Be sure to clean the grill enough so that you feel you put a sufficient effort in but not to the point of cleanliness that you would actually use the grill yourself.
Serve the burger-open-face-sandwich on top of a paper muffin bag you rescued earlier in the afternoon. Enjoy.
Serve the burger-open-face-sandwich on top of a paper muffin bag you rescued earlier in the afternoon. Enjoy.
